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Monday, July 2, 2012

Movie Review - Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

           Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
            Who on Earth thought that such a ludicrous concept would ever fly as a serious movie? This movie might have worked as a comedy. But it takes itself absolutely seriously, so that the comedy is unintentional, and that’s the worst kind of comedy.
            There’s so much wrong with this movie that I don’t even know where to begin.
            I guess I’ll start with the subtitle, “Vampire Hunter.” The titular character doesn’t actually do any vampire hunting in the movie. Rather, a renegade vampire feeds Lincoln the address of a vampire, and Lincoln goes to the address and slays the vampire. Where’s the “hunting” in that? Lincoln is a vampire slayer, not a vampire hunter, so the movie goes wrong right at the title.
            There’s also not much of a plot. Lincoln slays vampires on the way to his presidency, and when he gets to be president, he keeps on slaying, until the head vampire’s plan to take over the United States at the Battle of Gettysburg is thwarted. The movie is more like a travelogue detailing Lincoln’s secret life on the way to the White House.
            The movie loses all credibility when Lincoln starts swinging his axe and slaying vampires like he’s the chick from Resident Evil. The sight of a dignified American icon moving like a Ninja is beyond ludicrous.
            Then there are the actors themselves. Honestly, every single actor in this movie looks like a refugee from a comedy. Their hairstyles are comical, their facial expressions are comical…To a man, every second they’re on screen, they look like they’re all about to bust loose with a joke or a punch line.
            I saw this movie in 3D, and even the 3D sucked.
            All that being said, the period set pieces were really nice. If this movie were a Western, or a genuine biography of Abraham Lincoln, it would have looked great.
            Avoid this movie at all costs, unless you’re looking for a good laugh.

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